New IMPROVED Terms and Conditions

My legal Advisor – Nobby no-brains has pointed out that I haven’t set out the User Terms and Conditions for this site.

Obviously this is just a formality and not worth you reading in full  as they are  more-or-less standard….. with one or two teeny, tiny updates:

1. By using this site I grant the author full and unrestricted access to my bank account, cars and fridge.

2. The user (hereinafter referred to as: “the victim”) undertakes to clean me, my laundry, my house, car and toilets as and when required by the author (hereinafter referred to as: “taking the piss”).

3. The user/victim shall, on demand hand over such cash as may be required by the author together with such credit and or debit cards together with pin numbers – that he may feel at any time, will look better in his own wallet.

4. The user will stand bail/surety and attend all court hearings instead of the author should he be charged with any acts of criminality.

5. The user will carry out acts of violence against nominated persons as may be required by him and further confirms that he will be available to carry the author home at chucking out time.

6. The user waives all any rights whatsoever and will address the author as “God”.

7. The user will surrender their first-born immediately  should the author receive what he considers a reasonable cash offer from Madonna or any other celebrity.

Fair enough eh?

Any queries relating to the foregoing should be addressed to:

Robert Mugabe



Teachers are LIARS!!!

Tonight Britney  (47) brought home from school (she’s in the 2nd year at Juniors)  the dreaded:

“Your Child has shown interest in the violin”


What ACTUALLY happened was the teacher brained a kid with his  own violin after he messed up  “Greensleeves”   for the umpteenth time and Britney  said:

“What the FUCK?”

..her name was down on the list for THAT letter in less time than the Headmaster takes to expose himself  at  Assembly.

All I get from that school is utter, utter, UTTER shite.

Britney  WOULD not know a violin if I were to set fire to one and tie it to a passing pensioner’s mobility scooter
(true actually… I did that very thing only last week)

Purely by chance they are about to run an after-school class at “competitive prices”.
And the good luck continues:

” We have a selection of Violins and other Instruments which can be secured  for a ‘modest’ down payment”.

Exploitative bastards.

When I  lock her  in the Fritzel’s basement it’s to get a bit of peace and quiet – I don’t want to hear that screeching racket.



Clearly her teachers aren’t prepared to settle for having already stitched us up once with the School Recorder Club.

The amount of  dribble that came out the end of that particular instrument of torture was worse than Grandad on his endless trips to the bog. I got sick of being asked to try and guess what the random assortment of shrill sounds was supposed to be. I do not know of any tune that sounds like the dire noises that thing generates. Everything sounds the same – like a drunken asthmatic being beaten up and trying to summon help with a broken whistle.

Anyway Brits lost interest after I cleared the blocked toilet with it…only time the thing was of any use.

You can NOT trust teachers.

Teachers are THE most complete bare-faced liars:

“Your child shows potential…”
(as a serial psycho killer)

“Interacts well with the other children…”
(Pays up IMMEDIATELY when bullied for cash by bigger kids)

“There’s been a big improvement on last term”
She’s dropped the Assault charges.

Social Services accused me of being a bad parent which is unfair. … how  was I to know the £20 notes I gave them for fags were forgeries? I ALWAYS  share my heroin with the kids and NEVER once have I let them drive when they’ve had too much to drink.
Social Services have such unrealistic expectations. They’ll be wanting me to return to the UK and feed them next.

Broken Britain my arse-crack-pipe

Fly my pretty…..

These days no self-respecting local hard-nut is properly kitted out to venture out in  his “Manor”
without some ferocious fighting dog such as a Pit Bull, Rottweiler, Bull Mastiff – preferably rabid – in tow.
“Attack Dogs” are the “Weapon of Choice”   is, I believe, the phrase the RSPCA used.

I appreciate that Gang leaders, Vendors of Mood-Enhancing substances may be reluctant to consider lesser breeds such as Chihuahuas and Pekingise as they wouldn’t have quite the same “impact”….
…but are they missing a trick?

Maybe they can’t use old fashioned pets like goldfish, hamsters or tortoise….. BUT have they forgotten the threat of Mad Cow Disease that had us all choking on our burgers?

My pal Rupert has found that “patrolling” with  his Fresian, Daisy, all  loose-bowelled and hooves askew as she slides around slobbering, has worked well for him as an enforcer……plus he’s making his own yoghurt.

He’s considering adding an eagle to his “team” …he wouldn’t have to take it for walks AND the
added threat of bird flu ….. He’s going to plaster it’s beak with a bit of  that green crazy string stuff for that nicely “snotted-up” look.



The Parrot – a poor man’s Eagle but a better conversationalist.




PATHETIC! The even less imposing budgie – a bit like a parrot-with-aids

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Picture credits:

Racism is a BAD thing

I asked my mate Jock O’Bernstein (or – as we call him –” Taff the sheep-shagger”) where he stood on racism and his answer was:

“The black bloke’s head”

..a reply that pretty much sums up his lack of understanding of some of the issues.

For a United Kingdom of English,  Irish, Scottish and Welsh* people presided over by a Queen of Germanic descent – with a Greek husband – we can be a remarkably intolerant nation.

About the only time you find the Welsh, Scottish, Irish and English** in one place are in a (probably racist) joke “at the pub”.

Perhaps I was not the only one to scan the news on the recent slaughter in the Egyptian football stadium for the phrase: “…believed to have started when some English football fans…”

Well, as  I expect John Terry was saying to Anton Ferdinand;

all this unpleasantness needs to stop.

Times SHOULD have changed. In the old days it was entirely acceptable (standard Foreign Policy even) to sail to a country, claim it for God and (British) Queen. Then – after a quick 15 minute shouted pep talk about Christianity – leave a few Bibles (printed in English naturally) and clear off with all the valuable stuff (fair exchange = no robbery).  Several die-hards have tried to resurrect  the practice on our behalf at International Football Tournaments but it is becoming SOOO Dark Ages.

The basic rules seem clear enough: No insults based on skin colour, Ethnicity , Nationalist Stereotypes or sexual orientation. The onus is on the aggressor to take every reasonable step to determine skin hue, family history and preferred choice of sexual partner BEFORE abusing and/or committing physical assault on his/her preferred victim(s).

It MIGHT be best to get any prospective recipient(s) of gratuitous violence to complete –  AND sign – a questionnaire before getting underway. Then stash it/them safely about your person (preferably where they are unlikely to get too blood-spattered) ready for later inspection.

The authorities aren’t complete killjoys though..and realise that “boys-will-be-boys”….the legislation does not – as yet – cover hair colour…“GET in!”

                                                                                                                                                                    * Alphabetic order – too many immigrant races to list

(with thanks to the Daily Mail for the regular updates)

** Reverse Alphabetic order

A matter of life…. or death?

” I CAN’T leave now…”  * sob *   “..there’s so much I haven’t done….”

The heart-rending final words of a dying soldier on the field of battle perhaps?

Or possibly someone having to leave a mortally wounded friend to their fate as nothing more can be done?’s MUCH more serious than that: it’s another heartbroken “Wasterchef” contestant pleading for their “cooking life” after fucking up a boiled egg.

“It means everything…”

“I’ve so much more to give”

“This is my life…”


The fekkers should be either locked in the freezer till the following week or shoved head first through the sink’s disposal unit..

Alternatively maybe the losing/leaving contestant could be chopped up and served in a “reduced sauce” in the next episode..

Quality Insults

Overheard a good one today – an exasperated woman saying to her partner:

“…You’re living proof that Carlsberg  have started making arseholes…”

Reminds me of my (School)  Careers “Advisor” who – after I told him my name and he had checked his list – dismissed me thus:

“ assured….. if I ever do hear of anybody in the market for an utter gobshite…I’ll give you a call”

Did YOU know that…?

…if you were to lay all the Christmas paper that was bought in 2011 end-to-end you would have been stabbed to death by angry people desperate to wrap presents

….. on Tuesday, April 17th 2012 the Titanic will be 100 years late arriving in New York

….. it is nigh on impossible for an emu to do an accurate “Cheryl Cole” impression

…you cannot toast bread in a tumble dryer (even on the highest setting)

… the average number of pine needles on the most popular 5 foot/1.5 metre  Christmas tree is not worth knowing

…… Queen Elizabeth II’s middle name is NOT Jason

Happy New Year

(terms and conditions apply)