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New IMPROVED Terms and Conditions


My legal Advisor – Nobby no-brains has pointed out that I haven’t set out the User Terms and Conditions for this site.

Obviously this is just a formality and not worth you reading in full  as they are  more-or-less standard….. with one or two teeny, tiny updates:

1. By using this site I grant the author full and unrestricted access to my bank account, cars and fridge.

2. The user (hereinafter referred to as: “the victim”) undertakes to clean me, my laundry, my house, car and toilets as and when required by the author (hereinafter referred to as: “taking the piss”).

3. The user/victim shall, on demand hand over such cash as may be required by the author together with such credit and or debit cards together with pin numbers – that he may feel at any time, will look better in his own wallet.

4. The user will stand bail/surety and attend all court hearings instead of the author should he be charged with any acts of criminality.

5. The user will carry out acts of violence against nominated persons as may be required by him and further confirms that he will be available to carry the author home at chucking out time.

6. The user waives all any rights whatsoever and will address the author as “God”.

7. The user will surrender their first-born immediately  should the author receive what he considers a reasonable cash offer from Madonna or any other celebrity.

Fair enough eh?

Any queries relating to the foregoing should be addressed to:

Robert Mugabe

Zimbabwe

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About they still let me vote

David Martin John, was created in an American lab by a scientist who - in a fit of pique following his exclusion from the team working on the Roswell (‘Alien Discovery’) project - grafted a baboon’s arse onto a butterfly. As a result David is extremely fond of bananas (he will happily stare at them for hours) but suffers from an irrational fear of getting trapped in net curtains. Abandoned by the elders of the tribe…David struggled in the wild but, at first glance, APPEARS to have integrated – to an admittedly limited degree – into society. Raised by badgers just outside an English Village that was twinned with Chernobyl…he soon withdrew into his own troubled mind only to be sexually abused by his imaginary friend. The one time he actually did manage to ‘make’ friends was when he went to Legoland. Twenty years may have passed, but he still remains bitter about what he considers the unreasonable rejection by Publishers of his first manuscript: “Noddy and the Daleks”. Determined to be at least a minor celebrity he suffered another setback when he underwent a lavish and expensive boob job before he had read BOTH questions on the “Page 3 Girl” Application Form. He counts Professor Brian Cox among his friends – which is ludicrous as he’s never met him - but this is apparently quite common with David’s Mental condition. David was invalided out of the Police Force in 1998 after – perhaps unwisely – asking a GBH suspect to show him:“…EXACTLY what happened…” When he lay stricken and in a coma in hospital (the greengrocers weren’t remotely interested) his parents rushed to his bedside. They visited daily – despite not knowing whether David could even hear – trying to encourage him with tape recordings of other people dying. Devastated to find that there was no “Pause” button on his Life Support machine they still came… just clinging to the hope they might finally hear those longed-for precious little words; “…time of death…” David survived their repeated attempts at poisoning and smothering, recovering enough to be able to testify in Court. His parents got off on a technicality – the Judge, in his summing up, said he would have done the same thing. Although there was overwhelming forensic evidence to the contrary, he also accepted that they COULD have been “simply plumping up the pillows” as claimed. In 2007 David took another turn for the worse when he took the Government’s dismissal of his idea for a “massive almost-globe-like structure to celebrate the new Millenia” very badly. 2009 also proved a dificult year when, during his resitting of a routine urine test, Doctors found no brain activity and remove several vital organs. Now banned for life by Tescos, since 2010, following an incident in the vegetable section that the family refuse to discuss, he now lives pretty much as a recluse – confined to the Ward – filling his days watching taped repeats of his relatives embarassing themselves on “You’ve Been Framed” … David is living proof (albeit in a “permanent vegatative state”) that medical treatment of the criminally insane has a long way to go……

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