Posted on

whatever happened to……the Teletubsters?

It’s been heartbreaking to hear about the fall from grace of my former screen favourites:

“The Teletubsters”

According to my mate Derek this is what has happened to them since their all-too-short careers ended:



Tragically no longer able to sing or dance  after Poo went mental and shoved his scooter up her arse. They had an off screen fight when Poo did an article for “OK” magazine but then found out Lilo got twice the money he did from the rival glossy magazine: “Ey-O” .  She hit rock bottom when vandals slashed her bouncy ball – she got depressed and her weight ballooned to 52 stone.

Her ridiculously long spiky antenna left her trapped on the dodgems at Thorpe Park for 18 hours, after which she turned to drugs. Now riddled with arthritis it is pathetic to see her each year when – despite being restricted to using a zimmer frame – she tries to gatecrash the qualifying rounds of “Britain’s Got Talent” in ever more bizarre and unconvincing disguises.

Stinky Winky


Has tried to scrape  a living  selling: “The Big Issue”   but struggles to pronounce it. Gets pissed down the pub most nights with the also washed up Andy Pandy. Done for benefit fraud after Investigators caught him doing an evening  job – hanging upside down as a coathanger in the “George” section of Asda.



The smallest and most annoying of the original “Tubsters”. Made a complete twat of himself by wrapping rubber bands around his  antenna and entering Wimbledon – though he still beat the British number 1 seed in straight sets.  He was most recently sighted at a fairground stall making up the numbers in the “Hook-a-duck” game.



…is the only one making a good living…but, unfortunately, does so in the porn film industry. He was put on the sex offenders register after he was  exposed in the press for using the “noo..noo…noo…”  (a machine from the series)  for his personal sexual gratification. In his last film: “Dips, lips and nips”  he is mainly seen with desperate women sitting on his head simulating sex and begging him to give them his: “Tubby Custard”.  Refuses to accept that his career in kids TV is over and, in an ugly incident with racist overtones, chanted: “Whack-a-Pakka” as he  beat up  Makka Pakka  (from “In the Night  Garden“).


About they still let me vote

David Martin John, was created in an American lab by a scientist who - in a fit of pique following his exclusion from the team working on the Roswell (‘Alien Discovery’) project - grafted a baboon’s arse onto a butterfly. As a result David is extremely fond of bananas (he will happily stare at them for hours) but suffers from an irrational fear of getting trapped in net curtains. Abandoned by the elders of the tribe…David struggled in the wild but, at first glance, APPEARS to have integrated – to an admittedly limited degree – into society. Raised by badgers just outside an English Village that was twinned with Chernobyl…he soon withdrew into his own troubled mind only to be sexually abused by his imaginary friend. The one time he actually did manage to ‘make’ friends was when he went to Legoland. Twenty years may have passed, but he still remains bitter about what he considers the unreasonable rejection by Publishers of his first manuscript: “Noddy and the Daleks”. Determined to be at least a minor celebrity he suffered another setback when he underwent a lavish and expensive boob job before he had read BOTH questions on the “Page 3 Girl” Application Form. He counts Professor Brian Cox among his friends – which is ludicrous as he’s never met him - but this is apparently quite common with David’s Mental condition. David was invalided out of the Police Force in 1998 after – perhaps unwisely – asking a GBH suspect to show him:“…EXACTLY what happened…” When he lay stricken and in a coma in hospital (the greengrocers weren’t remotely interested) his parents rushed to his bedside. They visited daily – despite not knowing whether David could even hear – trying to encourage him with tape recordings of other people dying. Devastated to find that there was no “Pause” button on his Life Support machine they still came… just clinging to the hope they might finally hear those longed-for precious little words; “…time of death…” David survived their repeated attempts at poisoning and smothering, recovering enough to be able to testify in Court. His parents got off on a technicality – the Judge, in his summing up, said he would have done the same thing. Although there was overwhelming forensic evidence to the contrary, he also accepted that they COULD have been “simply plumping up the pillows” as claimed. In 2007 David took another turn for the worse when he took the Government’s dismissal of his idea for a “massive almost-globe-like structure to celebrate the new Millenia” very badly. 2009 also proved a dificult year when, during his resitting of a routine urine test, Doctors found no brain activity and remove several vital organs. Now banned for life by Tescos, since 2010, following an incident in the vegetable section that the family refuse to discuss, he now lives pretty much as a recluse – confined to the Ward – filling his days watching taped repeats of his relatives embarassing themselves on “You’ve Been Framed” … David is living proof (albeit in a “permanent vegatative state”) that medical treatment of the criminally insane has a long way to go……

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s