It’s been heartbreaking to hear about the fall from grace of my former screen favourites:
According to my mate Derek this is what has happened to them since their all-too-short careers ended:
Tragically no longer able to sing or dance after Poo went mental and shoved his scooter up her arse. They had an off screen fight when Poo did an article for “OK” magazine but then found out Lilo got twice the money he did from the rival glossy magazine: “Ey-O” . She hit rock bottom when vandals slashed her bouncy ball – she got depressed and her weight ballooned to 52 stone.
Her ridiculously long spiky antenna left her trapped on the dodgems at Thorpe Park for 18 hours, after which she turned to drugs. Now riddled with arthritis it is pathetic to see her each year when – despite being restricted to using a zimmer frame – she tries to gatecrash the qualifying rounds of “Britain’s Got Talent” in ever more bizarre and unconvincing disguises.
Has tried to scrape a living selling: “The Big Issue” but struggles to pronounce it. Gets pissed down the pub most nights with the also washed up Andy Pandy. Done for benefit fraud after Investigators caught him doing an evening job – hanging upside down as a coathanger in the “George” section of Asda.
The smallest and most annoying of the original “Tubsters”. Made a complete twat of himself by wrapping rubber bands around his antenna and entering Wimbledon – though he still beat the British number 1 seed in straight sets. He was most recently sighted at a fairground stall making up the numbers in the “Hook-a-duck” game.
…is the only one making a good living…but, unfortunately, does so in the porn film industry. He was put on the sex offenders register after he was exposed in the press for using the “noo..noo…noo…” (a machine from the series) for his personal sexual gratification. In his last film: “Dips, lips and nips” he is mainly seen with desperate women sitting on his head simulating sex and begging him to give them his: “Tubby Custard”. Refuses to accept that his career in kids TV is over and, in an ugly incident with racist overtones, chanted: “Whack-a-Pakka” as he beat up Makka Pakka (from “In the Night Garden“).