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Francesco Schettino – an apology for a Captain


Before we all rush to judgement I must admit that I CAN see what Captain Schettino* was getting at IF he felt he could better direct the rescue operations for his  stricken ship whilst on dry land, in his fluffy slippers, watching Sky. Let us also immediately dismiss the rumour that his last act was to play:

“Holding Out For a Hero”   at full blast through the ship’s public address system.

Remember: they say bad luck come in threes. Firstly his nice shiny boat had the bottom ripped out of it by rocks that shouldn’t even  have been there, THEN he tripped over and fell into a lifeboat… I don’t think I’d have stayed around to see what the THIRD thing was going to be….the day he was having he could easily have been seriously hurt!

On the plus side – he may possibly now replace the recently departed Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi at the top of the list of great Italians.

Although I DO think Berlusconi WOULD have stayed on board…if only to check there weren’t any pretty young prostitutes trapped in their underwear.

*                  *                   *                       *                         *                         *

* Schettino is an anagram of:

“one shit c  t!

(I believe that   “c  t” is often used as an abbreviation for:  “Captain”     …possibly there are other abbreviations available…)

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About they still let me vote

David Martin John, was created in an American lab by a scientist who - in a fit of pique following his exclusion from the team working on the Roswell (‘Alien Discovery’) project - grafted a baboon’s arse onto a butterfly. As a result David is extremely fond of bananas (he will happily stare at them for hours) but suffers from an irrational fear of getting trapped in net curtains. Abandoned by the elders of the tribe…David struggled in the wild but, at first glance, APPEARS to have integrated – to an admittedly limited degree – into society. Raised by badgers just outside an English Village that was twinned with Chernobyl…he soon withdrew into his own troubled mind only to be sexually abused by his imaginary friend. The one time he actually did manage to ‘make’ friends was when he went to Legoland. Twenty years may have passed, but he still remains bitter about what he considers the unreasonable rejection by Publishers of his first manuscript: “Noddy and the Daleks”. Determined to be at least a minor celebrity he suffered another setback when he underwent a lavish and expensive boob job before he had read BOTH questions on the “Page 3 Girl” Application Form. He counts Professor Brian Cox among his friends – which is ludicrous as he’s never met him - but this is apparently quite common with David’s Mental condition. David was invalided out of the Police Force in 1998 after – perhaps unwisely – asking a GBH suspect to show him:“…EXACTLY what happened…” When he lay stricken and in a coma in hospital (the greengrocers weren’t remotely interested) his parents rushed to his bedside. They visited daily – despite not knowing whether David could even hear – trying to encourage him with tape recordings of other people dying. Devastated to find that there was no “Pause” button on his Life Support machine they still came… just clinging to the hope they might finally hear those longed-for precious little words; “…time of death…” David survived their repeated attempts at poisoning and smothering, recovering enough to be able to testify in Court. His parents got off on a technicality – the Judge, in his summing up, said he would have done the same thing. Although there was overwhelming forensic evidence to the contrary, he also accepted that they COULD have been “simply plumping up the pillows” as claimed. In 2007 David took another turn for the worse when he took the Government’s dismissal of his idea for a “massive almost-globe-like structure to celebrate the new Millenia” very badly. 2009 also proved a dificult year when, during his resitting of a routine urine test, Doctors found no brain activity and remove several vital organs. Now banned for life by Tescos, since 2010, following an incident in the vegetable section that the family refuse to discuss, he now lives pretty much as a recluse – confined to the Ward – filling his days watching taped repeats of his relatives embarassing themselves on “You’ve Been Framed” … David is living proof (albeit in a “permanent vegatative state”) that medical treatment of the criminally insane has a long way to go……

2 responses to “Francesco Schettino – an apology for a Captain

  1. A long suffering relative ⋅

    Very much like the picture but when we last saw you on the ward the activities you were doing with a pencil did not involve putting it to paper. Don’t be stealing works from the US and claiming them as your own now, we see in the news that you’ll end up in Guantanamo.

  2. Jen Hayes ⋅

    LOL. Totally the right word I think. 🙂

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