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An ancient tale updated….?


My mate Matt reckons he has somehow got hold of a printed transcript of an edition of

“The Jeremy Kyle Show”  that was due to go out live on Christmas Eve   but was never transmitted.

I don’t know what to make of it…an origami bird perhaps?

*               *               *                   *                     *               *               *

“Today, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joe to this special live Christmas Eve edition of the
show….”

announces Jeremy holding one arm aloft to signify applause is required.
The audience clap respectfully as a forlorn looking Joe shuffles on to the studio set from the right of the stage. He makes towards the nearer of the two comfortable looking  guest chairs that have been positioned several metres apart.

“Welcome Joe…sit yourself down – is it alright if I call you Joe?”

“In the past I was known as Joseph…. but Joe’s fine…”

says an upset looking Joe nodding to further confirm his agreement.

Jeremy starts to set the scene by giving the audience some background on his guest.

“Now, I’ve spent some time with Joe before we went on air. He’s a straightforward, decent and trusting
sort of a guy. Me and my researchers have got to know – and like – him.”

“Joe – I know why you’re here… but please…. tell the audience and the viewers at home what
made you feel you had to come on the show today”

Joe takes a DEEP breath…

“I’m fighting for my marriage Jeremy…..

I’m completely devastated…..

my wife’s pregnant…. about to give birth…..

and she’s told me that….. the baby’s NOT mine”

There is a collective gasp from the audience – some shout: “No! others shout: “Boo”

Jeremy holds up his palm, gesturing for the studio to be calm.

“OK…OK…so the baby’s NOT yours….”

repeats Jeremy to underline the point before continuing:

“..now Joe…..”
Jeremy pauses then shakes his head…
“You’re a better man than me mate…..you actually want to try and sort this out don’t you?”

Joe sobs a bit more though he does manage a small couple of nods.
The audience sense the man’s deep anguish. There is a definite anger and hostility developing amongst them towards whoever has upset the guest on the stage.

“She’s come a long way to be with us…all the way from Nazareth…..
let’s get MARY on ladies and gentlemen………….”

Security ensure Joe remains seated and some swearing is ‘bleeped out’.

Mary appears EXTREMELY distressed…as she seats herself in the remaining chair.

“Spare us the tears love…we’ve seen it all before…”

says Jeremy, who continues:

“Now….let me check I’ve got this right…you’re married to Joseph…yes?”
“And….you’re pregnant…well I think we can ALL see that……”
“But…and this is the bit I’m certainly struggling with…you say you’re still a Virgin….
is that correct?”
Mary hesitates and Jeremy asks her again, more sternly and raising his voice:

“IS THAT CORRECT?…because…as I already said…. I’m having a bit of difficulty with some of this
sweetheart…and…the other pretty important detail we need to mention is that….”
Jeremy pauses a moment for effect before continuing with emphasis:

“…. you’re absolutely positive that  Joe’s  NOT the Father”

She nods, resignedly.  Joe makes a sudden break from the chair towards his wife. Two burly Guards quickly  grab him and force him back to his seat….a saw and a couple of chisels fall out of his robes. The items are quickly removed by the Security team…

Jeremy rebukes Joe:

“If you try that again mate I’ll have you taken back to the stable…”

Jeremy then turns to address the audience…

“Join us after the break for those all-important DNA and lie detector test results……

AND hear what these  friends have got to say…”

Camera picture changes to show three very confused looking Wise Men apparently arguing…

….to be continued

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About they still let me vote

David Martin John, was created in an American lab by a scientist who - in a fit of pique following his exclusion from the team working on the Roswell (‘Alien Discovery’) project - grafted a baboon’s arse onto a butterfly. As a result David is extremely fond of bananas (he will happily stare at them for hours) but suffers from an irrational fear of getting trapped in net curtains. Abandoned by the elders of the tribe…David struggled in the wild but, at first glance, APPEARS to have integrated – to an admittedly limited degree – into society. Raised by badgers just outside an English Village that was twinned with Chernobyl…he soon withdrew into his own troubled mind only to be sexually abused by his imaginary friend. The one time he actually did manage to ‘make’ friends was when he went to Legoland. Twenty years may have passed, but he still remains bitter about what he considers the unreasonable rejection by Publishers of his first manuscript: “Noddy and the Daleks”. Determined to be at least a minor celebrity he suffered another setback when he underwent a lavish and expensive boob job before he had read BOTH questions on the “Page 3 Girl” Application Form. He counts Professor Brian Cox among his friends – which is ludicrous as he’s never met him - but this is apparently quite common with David’s Mental condition. David was invalided out of the Police Force in 1998 after – perhaps unwisely – asking a GBH suspect to show him:“…EXACTLY what happened…” When he lay stricken and in a coma in hospital (the greengrocers weren’t remotely interested) his parents rushed to his bedside. They visited daily – despite not knowing whether David could even hear – trying to encourage him with tape recordings of other people dying. Devastated to find that there was no “Pause” button on his Life Support machine they still came… just clinging to the hope they might finally hear those longed-for precious little words; “…time of death…” David survived their repeated attempts at poisoning and smothering, recovering enough to be able to testify in Court. His parents got off on a technicality – the Judge, in his summing up, said he would have done the same thing. Although there was overwhelming forensic evidence to the contrary, he also accepted that they COULD have been “simply plumping up the pillows” as claimed. In 2007 David took another turn for the worse when he took the Government’s dismissal of his idea for a “massive almost-globe-like structure to celebrate the new Millenia” very badly. 2009 also proved a dificult year when, during his resitting of a routine urine test, Doctors found no brain activity and remove several vital organs. Now banned for life by Tescos, since 2010, following an incident in the vegetable section that the family refuse to discuss, he now lives pretty much as a recluse – confined to the Ward – filling his days watching taped repeats of his relatives embarassing themselves on “You’ve Been Framed” … David is living proof (albeit in a “permanent vegatative state”) that medical treatment of the criminally insane has a long way to go……

4 responses to “An ancient tale updated….?

  1. Very funny and although you say ‘they still let me vote’ perhaps they wont if this goes viral !!!!

  2. Thanks Mimi – I assume you want the £5 in the usual brown paper bag?
    I don’t have any cash so will expired money off coupons do?
    …wonder why you’re known as the Dorito Queen….

  3. Jen ⋅

    Lol. How funny this would be if it actually happened. 🙂

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