My mate Matt reckons he has somehow got hold of a printed transcript of an edition of
“The Jeremy Kyle Show” that was due to go out live on Christmas Eve but was never transmitted.
I don’t know what to make of it…an origami bird perhaps?
* * * * * * *
“Today, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Joe to this special live Christmas Eve edition of the
announces Jeremy holding one arm aloft to signify applause is required.
The audience clap respectfully as a forlorn looking Joe shuffles on to the studio set from the right of the stage. He makes towards the nearer of the two comfortable looking guest chairs that have been positioned several metres apart.
“Welcome Joe…sit yourself down – is it alright if I call you Joe?”
“In the past I was known as Joseph…. but Joe’s fine…”
says an upset looking Joe nodding to further confirm his agreement.
Jeremy starts to set the scene by giving the audience some background on his guest.
“Now, I’ve spent some time with Joe before we went on air. He’s a straightforward, decent and trusting
sort of a guy. Me and my researchers have got to know – and like – him.”
“Joe – I know why you’re here… but please…. tell the audience and the viewers at home what
made you feel you had to come on the show today”
Joe takes a DEEP breath…
“I’m fighting for my marriage Jeremy…..
I’m completely devastated…..
my wife’s pregnant…. about to give birth…..
and she’s told me that….. the baby’s NOT mine”
There is a collective gasp from the audience – some shout: “No!“ others shout: “Boo”
Jeremy holds up his palm, gesturing for the studio to be calm.
“OK…OK…so the baby’s NOT yours….”
repeats Jeremy to underline the point before continuing:
Jeremy pauses then shakes his head…
“You’re a better man than me mate…..you actually want to try and sort this out don’t you?”
Joe sobs a bit more though he does manage a small couple of nods.
The audience sense the man’s deep anguish. There is a definite anger and hostility developing amongst them towards whoever has upset the guest on the stage.
“She’s come a long way to be with us…all the way from Nazareth…..
let’s get MARY on ladies and gentlemen………….”
Security ensure Joe remains seated and some swearing is ‘bleeped out’.
Mary appears EXTREMELY distressed…as she seats herself in the remaining chair.
“Spare us the tears love…we’ve seen it all before…”
says Jeremy, who continues:
“Now….let me check I’ve got this right…you’re married to Joseph…yes?”
“And….you’re pregnant…well I think we can ALL see that……”
“But…and this is the bit I’m certainly struggling with…you say you’re still a Virgin….
is that correct?”
Mary hesitates and Jeremy asks her again, more sternly and raising his voice:
“IS THAT CORRECT?…because…as I already said…. I’m having a bit of difficulty with some of this
sweetheart…and…the other pretty important detail we need to mention is that….”
Jeremy pauses a moment for effect before continuing with emphasis:
“…. you’re absolutely positive that Joe’s NOT the Father”
She nods, resignedly. Joe makes a sudden break from the chair towards his wife. Two burly Guards quickly grab him and force him back to his seat….a saw and a couple of chisels fall out of his robes. The items are quickly removed by the Security team…
Jeremy rebukes Joe:
“If you try that again mate I’ll have you taken back to the stable…”
Jeremy then turns to address the audience…
“Join us after the break for those all-important DNA and lie detector test results……
AND hear what these friends have got to say…”
Camera picture changes to show three very confused looking Wise Men apparently arguing…
….to be continued